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Received, perceived, or personal? How to sort criticism

By Mike Acker

Most of what hurts you was never said

Three hundred people looked up at me while I gave a speech on leadership. The words were coming out fine, but my mind was giving its own speech at the same time. It kept saying, "Mike, no one cares what you are saying." I started to rush. I started adding things to keep them interested. I was losing a fight with a voice no one else could hear.

Nobody in that room said a single negative word to me. Every word of criticism in that moment came from inside my own head.

That is the pattern I see in almost everyone I coach. We brace ourselves for received criticism. But most of the criticism we actually experience is perceived. And most often of all, it is personal. We walk into a meeting with our armor on, and then no one attacks us, so we attack ourselves.

The three kinds, defined

• Received criticism is criticism someone actually gave you. You can point to the email, the comment, the review, or the conversation.
• Perceived criticism is criticism you believe someone is thinking. You read it in a face, a silence, a short reply, or an empty seat. No one said it. You assume it.
• Personal criticism is criticism you give yourself. It is the replay in the shower and the "I always mess this up."

The three-question check

When criticism hits you, whether it is a comment, a look, or a thought, run it through three quick questions.

1. Did someone actually say it? If yes, it is received. Write down exactly what they said. Not what you think they meant. What they said.
2. Am I assuming it? If no one said it but you feel it, it is perceived. Ask what evidence you have, and what else that evidence could mean. The person frowning in your meeting might be thinking about their own day.
3. Did I say it to myself? If it came from inside your head, it is personal. Ask where you first heard it. Often it is a remembered voice wearing your clothes.

What to do with received criticism

Received criticism is real, and sometimes it hurts. It still deserves to be heard. Sometimes it is a gift. Sometimes it is taste. Sometimes it says more about the person giving it than about you.

The trouble starts when one line of received criticism sets off a chain of the other two. A manager writes one sentence in a review, and we write a novel about what it means. The fix is to separate what was said from what you added. Once you do, the line usually stops feeling like a verdict and starts feeling like an assignment.

Receive what is received. Check what is perceived. Examine what is personal.

Try it today

Write down the criticisms that have been loud for you lately. Next to each one, write an R for received, a P for perceived, or a Q for personal. I use Q for the quiet voice so it does not get mixed up with perceived. Then count them up.

If you are like most people I coach, your R list will be the shortest. That is not a sign that something is wrong with you. It is a sign that you are human. It is also good news, because the voices you create are the voices you can change.

Questions people ask